The Pursuit of Happiness...?

During this Independence Day weekend, I have been inevitably drawn to reflect on those famous words from the opening of the US Constitution:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

We all just want to be happy, right? We're not normal if we're not seeking more happiness, are we? It's our right, our prerogative, and our natural drive. 

But is it, really for all of us?

Sitting in one of the few seasons I've been given for introspection in recent years - this glorious, glorious summer after the bitterest Chicago winter - I've realized something important. Maybe happiness really isn't that important, after all. Or rather, maybe that pursuit just makes us more miserable.

Happiness is a fleeting emotion, a temporary state. We work so hard to get the things that we think will make us happy. Achieve the goals! Win the prize! Earn the fame, the attention, the money, the opportunity, the audience! But as soon as it's over, things seem darker, and bleaker, than they were to begin with. The lack of happiness at the end of the pursuit is far more depressing than the situation without it was in the first place. The higher the mountaintops, the deeper the valleys become by comparison. And the harder it becomes to climb back out of them.

I've spent so much time over the years feeling guilty because I didn't feel happy, or because I somehow wasn't living up to the immense expectations put upon me by early successes and unanticipated achievements. As soon as you start achieving, then it's anticipated that you will continue to do so, at a rate and level that continues to exceed the increasingly high expectations with every expectation-exceeding hurdle jumped. Nothing is ever enough. And the crippling "meh"ness that sinks in makes it ever harder to care, or to dig out. But this week I've realized something. Something freeing, as depressing as it may otherwise seem:

My default mood and state of being is not happiness. My default is melancholy.

When things are just "fine", when everything is "ok", when nothing is wrong but it's also not a mountaintop moment, my default demeanor is one of a quiet, somewhat lonely, sadness. Not as deep as depression (though it's always hiding in the shadows for me, too), but a general malaise that continuously rides alongside me. 

And you know what? It's ok.

I've spent more hours feeling anxious that I didn't feel happier, getting down on myself for not doing more, getting stagnated by the weight of my own mood... and for what? It certainly hasn't helped anything. I haven't gained any more joy in my life by beating myself up for not feeling it. Moreover, it's kept me down more than the melancholy itself has. I've felt so crippled by not feeling happy that it's stopped me from pursuing things that really matter to me, and it's often paralyzed me from acting in ways that might secure that happiness, whether personally or professionally. 

So from now on, I'm going to accept that melancholy is just going to be riding alongside me, in whatever adventure I face next. And it's not going to stop me anymore. Because it's my default. It's a given. So when joy sneaks up and throws confetti in my face, I can appreciate the difference all the more.

Screw pursuing happiness. I'm just going to pursue the interesting, regardless of emotion, and perhaps happiness will find me from time to time along the way.