Aching

Tonight, I have an absolutely wretched, mind-splitting headache. And I have no idea why. I also have a feeling that my not being able to figure out the origin of the headache may be bothering me more than the horrendous headache itself.

I've realized something about myself: I like to try to find the logic in absolutely everything in life. This has two main effects.

1. I am continually interested in everything. Every area of study, every story, every person, every place. Which explains why I'm so into the whole interdisciplinary trend, and which I think is probably a pretty positive quality here.
2. I drive myself absolutely insane with the areas of life that I simply cannot explain. When I am sad, or lonely, or frustrated, or depressed, etc., (or have a random ache or pain) and cannot immediately figure out where that feeling is coming from, I feel even worse. However, once I can come up with a logical source, the issue and the feeling is almost always resolved to a certain extent.
   

This could explain why/how I drive myself as crazy as I do. Also, makes sense of my artistic impulses: so much of what I do involves using my past experiences - both good and bad - and tapping the emotional memory content again and again. Always reprocessing the past, drawing on it, and learning from it again, hopefully healing a little more each time. But still digging back into the thick of it repeatedly. Taking introspection to a level where it becomes performance for however many people will be there to watch.

No wonder musicians are as crazy/tortured as we are. Yet able to deal with it, somehow, most of the time. It's like we're going through self-therapy all the time. But publicly, on a stage and with an audience to see every raw bit of embarrassment, pain, and breakthrough.

And we love it. Psychos.